I gave a speech on the value of close friendship to my Technical Presentations class. This was supposed to be a persuasive presentation. It went okay, and the topic is one I think about often. I figured I’d share the video here in case anyone else might find it interesting.
Notes
- The speech was produced a few hours before delivery.
- My movements aren’t very polished.
- I’ve cut out a personal anecdote (around 1:51).
- The speech is partly inspired by Neel Nanda’s Intentionally Making Close Friends but, I think, original enough.
- “Non-standard action” (3:55) is a direct lift.
- The list of questions (4:08) is mis-cited as being adapted from a New York Times article. More accurately, it is adapted from Neel Nanda’s adaptation of that article.
- The part at the beginning, about having “no place left to turn” was inspired by a prop in a TWiT set that lives, from time to time, rent-free in my head.
- I was a little light on information about mental health benefits of close friendships, probably because I figured it was almost intuitive. The presentation could’ve used figures on neurotransmitters.
- The ending isn’t strong and could’ve been more inspirational—maybe something about how even strangers prefer deep conversation to small talk, or an anecdote about one of my unlikely friendships.
- I might update this list as I continue to notice things about the presentation.
Standing invitation to send me a message with your thoughts!
Transcript
Have you ever felt sad, lonely, like you have no place left to turn?
Well, all of us have, and ironically, we’re not alone.
According to the American Psychological Association, one in ten Americans feels lonely every day, and that number rises to one in three each week.
So I’m going to make the case to you for making, for why you should make close friends.
I’m going to propose this as a solution to loneliness.
And, as kind of a roadmap here, I’m going to go over the definition of close friendship, establish that this sort of friendship is uncommon, go over the benefits of such friendship, and finally, how you can make those friends.
So how do we define close friendship?
My favorite definition comes from a blogger who’s written a lot on the subject of friendship.
His name is Neel Nanda, and this comes from one of his 2021 posts.
A close friendship is safe, it’s comfortable, it is emotionally close and vulnerable, which I think is one of the number one points there, built on mutual trust.
And close friendship is uncommon.
Now, while about one in 12.5 Americans have no close friends, a plurality, so they have five or more.
So it sounds like we’re in pretty good shape.
Unfortunately, of the things people report discussing with their close friends, their mental health ranks last, with 31% of females discussing this, and only 15% of men.
Now, this comes from the Pew Research Center, a survey they did.
So what are some of the benefits of close friendship?
Well, one of them, of course, is support during crisis.
Now, what else do you get from close friendships?
Is it just like paying an insurance premium?
You maintain friendships just in case you need them in time of crisis, but it’s just a pain in other ways?
No.
In fact, there’s a lot of meaning in the day to day of having close friends.
I would argue that witnesses give your life meaning, sharing your life with other people, becoming intimately familiar with other people’s lives, and they with yours, is one of the most gratifying and interesting and joyful experiences I’ve had.
Now, it also improves your mental and physical health.
The mental health bit is a little more obvious, but the physical health aspects we’ll get to in just a minute, it makes you happier, and it gives you a sense of security.
Knowing that there are people who are just radically accepting of you gives you a sense of belonging that I think is just unmatched.
Now, on the topic of physical health, this comes from a PLOS Medicine Metaanalytic Review, a bunch of different studies, 2010.
People with no friends, poor quality friendships, are twice as likely to die prematurely, a risk factor even greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day.
Now, close friendships also build empathy.
According to studies of brain activity, the closer two friends become, the more similar their brainwaves become to the same stimulus.
That means this blue circle expands as you get to know someone better.
Now, all of this is great, but how do you make close friends?
Well, I have a few tips for you, be vulnerable.
It’s hard, and it’s not a standard action, but it is incredibly rewarding.
Ask deep questions, nice weather, what are your insecurities?
Now, this comes from a New York Times article called The 36 Questions That Lead to Love, it was published in 2015, and it was meant to give you kind of more of a guideline for romantic relationships, but as psychologist Marissa Franco, PhD, argues, there are fantastic benefits to incorporating some of the intimacy building activities that are traditionally present in romantic relationships into platonic ones as well.
Now, we’ve talked about being vulnerable, asking questions, what else?
Listen actively.
You want to learn more about people, and you want them to realize that you’re paying attention.
This is very important.
And don’t be afraid to be weird.
Chances are, you seem less weird than you expect.
Now, I hope I’ve inspired you, all of you here, to go out and make a friend.
This transcription was generated using Aiko on iOS, which is a GUI for OpenAI Whisper.
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